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- https://babylonbee.com/news/jimmy-kimmel-ratings-soar-after-debuting-new-segment-where-he-stands-there-all-sad-and-cries-like-a-wussBABYLONBEE.COMJimmy Kimmel Ratings Soar After Debuting New Segment Where He Stands There All Sad And Cries Like A WussU.S. — Ratings for Jimmy Kimmel's late-night show soared this past week after he debuted a new segment where he just stands on stage and cries like a big wuss.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/alex-jones-and-10-other-exciting-trump-cabinet-picksBABYLONBEE.COMAlex Jones And 10 Other Exciting Trump Cabinet PicksDonald Trump has been re-elected, and it's time for Trump to assemble a new team of brilliant minds to serve in his cabinet. But just who will he choose to restore America to its former glory?
- https://babylonbee.com/news/sad-candidate-who-bankrupted-campaign-account-will-never-have-opportunity-to-fix-nations-economyBABYLONBEE.COMSad: Candidate Who Bankrupted Campaign Will Never Have Opportunity To Fix Nation’s EconomyWASHINGTON, D.C. — Voters around the nation were immeasurably grieved to hear that the candidate who overspent her campaign account by millions of dollars will now never get the opportunity to fix the American economy.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/they-tried-to-warn-us-trump-gives-victory-speech-sporting-new-mustache?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMThey Tried To Warn Us: Trump Gives Victory Speech Sporting New MustachePALM BEACH, FL — The day after scoring a sweeping win to retake the White House, President-Elect Donald Trump stunned the American people and proved true what so many had tried to warn about by sporting a new mustache for his victory speech.0 Comments 0 Shares 213 Views
- https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-calls-trump-to-concede?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMBiden Calls Trump To Concede The ElectionU.S. — With the voting results now pointing towards a seemingly inevitable Trump victory, President Biden has graciously called to concede the election.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/fbi-staff-granted-grieving-day-for-election-results?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMFBI Staff Granted Grieving Day For Election ResultsU.S. — All staff members at the Federal Bureau of Investigation were granted a special "Grieving Day" on Friday so they could take time off to be with their families and mourn the results of the 2024 presidential election.0 Comments 0 Shares 202 Views
- https://babylonbee.com/news/the-nation-is-healing-9-miraculous-events-since-trump-won-the-electionBABYLONBEE.COMThe Nation Is Healing: 9 Miraculous Events Since Trump Won The ElectionOur long national nightmare is over. Donald Trump has been elected president again and life in the United States — and, indeed, the world — will never be the same again. Need further proof? Consider this selection of undeniable miracles that have taken place in just the short time since Trump won the election.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/emotional-president-biden-devastated-over-kamala-loss?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMEmotional President Biden Devastated Over Kamala LossWASHINGTON, D.C. — In his first public speech following Donald Trump's landslide victory on Tuesday, an emotional President Joe Biden was clearly devastated over Kamala Harris's lopsided loss.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/here-is-a-complete-list-of-the-rights-you-just-lost-now-that-trump-has-been-elected?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMHere Is A Complete List Of The Rights You Just Lost Now That Trump Has Been ElectedTrump is now President-Elect and we are now living in the Handmaid's Tale and all our rights are gone and it's the end of democracy. Not good!
- https://babylonbee.com/news/tim-walz-says-he-never-would-have-had-affair-with-chinese-communist-officials-daughter-if-he-had-known-she-was-a-woman?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMTim Walz Says He Never Would Have Had Affair With Chinese Communist Official’s Daughter If He Had Known She Was a WomanU.S. — After revelations that Tim Walz had a secret romantic relationship with the daughter of a Chinese Communist Party (CCP) official, Walz has assured voters that he never would have had an affair with her if he'd realized she was a woman.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/wife-breathes-sigh-of-relief-after-voting-for-trump-in-the-privacy-of-her-voting-booth-away-from-the-watchful-eye-of-creepy-feminist-husband?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMWife Breathes Sigh Of Relief After Voting For Trump In The Privacy Of Her Voting Booth Away From The Watchful Eye Of Creepy Feminist HusbandOVERLAND PARK, KS — A local woman reveled in her secret exercise of freedom today and breathed a sigh of relief after voting for Donald Trump in the privacy of her voting booth away from the watchful eye of her creepy feminist husband.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/cast-of-the-view-all-getting-rabies-shots-after-being-bitten-by-whoopi-goldberg?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMCast Of 'The View' All Getting Rabies Shots After Being Bitten By Whoopi GoldbergNEW YORK, NY — The entire cast of the all-female talk show ‘The View' was forced to get rabies shots this week after Whoopi Goldberg bit all of them.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/kamala-harris-confused-by-process-where-she-needs-to-get-votes-to-be-selectedBABYLONBEE.COMKamala Harris Confused By Process Where She Needs To Get Votes To Be SelectedWASHINGTON, D.C. — Vice President Kamala Harris was heard questioning the voting process early Tuesday, reportedly confused as to why she needs to get any votes to be elected president.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/america-unburdens-itself-from-what-has-beenBABYLONBEE.COMAmerica Unburdens Itself From What Has BeenU.S. — Donald Trump has defeated Kamala Harris to become the next president of the United States, proving once and for all that Americans are ready to unburden themselves from what has been.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/new-york-authorities-announce-peanut-the-squirrel-died-of-covid?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMNew York Authorities Announce Peanut The Squirrel Died Of COVIDPINE CITY, NY — Following the public outcry about the state's Department of Environmental Conservation raiding a local man's home and euthanizing his pet squirrel who had hundreds of thousands of social media followers, New York authorities announced Peanut the squirrel had died of COVID-19.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/harris-campaign-tells-biden-hes-urgently-needed-at-rally-in-remote-region-of-antarcticaBABYLONBEE.COMHarris Campaign Tells Biden He's Urgently Needed At Rally In Remote Region Of AntarcticaWASHINGTON, D.C. — With the electoral clock ticking down, the Harris campaign called President Joe Biden to ask him to please, please head to Antarctica.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/are-you-garbage-know-the-signsBABYLONBEE.COMAre You Garbage? Know The SignsIf you're a regular American who heard President Joe Biden refer to half the country as "garbage" the other day, you may be wondering to yourself: "Am I a garbage?"0 Comments 0 Shares 115 Views
- https://babylonbee.com/news/tim-walz-asks-which-button-to-press-in-madden-to-make-players-slap-each-others-butts?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMTim Walz Asks Which Button To Press In 'Madden' To Make Players Slap Each Other’s ButtsLAS VEGAS, NV — During a campaign event in which he played on a live Twitch stream with Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, vice presidential candidate Tim Walz was heard asking which button to press in Madden to make players slap each other's butts.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/democrats-scream-in-fury-after-spotting-child-that-made-it-out-of-the-womb-alive?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMDemocrats Scream In Fury After Spotting Child That Made It Out Of The Womb AliveHOUSTON, TX — Democrats outside of the Kamala Harris rally began screaming in blind rage after spotting a child who somehow managed to make it out of the womb alive.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/former-mcdonalds-fry-cook-scores-interview-with-joe-rogan?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMJoe Rogan Interviews Former McDonald's Fry CookU.S. — In a surprise development, Joe Rogan, host of the most popular podcast on the planet, decided to bring on a former McDonald's fry cook as a featured guest.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/trump-accused-of-inappropriately-touching-the-hearts-of-millions-of-americans?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMTrump Accused Of Inappropriately Touching The Hearts Of Millions Of AmericansU.S. — Things went from bad to worse for the Trump campaign damage control team, as new reports surfaced that former President Donald Trump faced fresh allegations that he had inappropriately touched the hearts of millions of Americans.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/radicalized-squirrels-in-maga-hats-begin-uprisingBABYLONBEE.COMRadicalized Squirrels In MAGA Hats Begin UprisingU.S. — After government authorities seized and executed the beloved squirrel known as "Peanut," squirrels across America donned tiny MAGA hats and launched a mass uprising.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/cast-of-the-view-all-getting-rabies-shots-after-being-bitten-by-whoopi-goldbergBABYLONBEE.COMCast Of 'The View' All Getting Rabies Shots After Being Bitten By Whoopi GoldbergNEW YORK, NY — The entire cast of the all-female talk show ‘The View' was forced to get rabies shots this week after Whoopi Goldberg bit all of them.
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