VENEZUELA — In a remarkable demonstration of martial superiority, the United States military just forced an unconditional surrender out of the entire Venezuelan army just by offering them some food.
U.S. — In a corroboration of what many had long suspected, a new report finally confirmed that the holiday of Kwanzaa had been revealed to be an elaborate prank on white people.
CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.
After a bidding war, Netflix has secured a deal to buy Warner Bros. Discovery for a reported $82.7 billion. Once the deal is finalized, fans will notice significant changes to beloved WB properties like Harry Potter, Looney Tunes, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An anonymous source has just revealed to The Babylon Bee that the Washington Post's journalists all still wet their beds and wear Paw Patrol pajamas, which are for dumb little babies.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location.
EAGAN, MN — In a move intended to better reflect the state's modern demographics and generate more interest in the team from the populace, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they were changing their name to the Minnesota Somali Pirates.
PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.
CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.
ST. PAUL, MN — Desperate to clear his good name, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered to give several journalists free tampons if they would stop talking about his fraud scandal.
SAN FRANCISCO, CA — New reports indicated that local homeless man John Brill politely yet firmly refused a passerby's offer of free leftover marshmallow jello salad earlier today, despite having not eaten in several days.
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
CHICAGO, IL — Residents of the Windy City noticed that it was beginning to look a lot like Christmas these days, as the Chicago Police Department kicked off the holiday season by unveiling festive red and green crime scene tape.
CAPERNAUM — Residents of several nearby villages were abuzz with excitement this week, as the traveling carpenter-turned-teacher Jesus of Nazareth healed a demon-possessed man by taking away his smartphone.
MOULTONBOROUGH, NH — To make the most of the Thanksgiving holiday, the Richardson family reportedly instituted helpful debate rules allowing for 2-minute speeches followed by a 1-minute rebuttal.
BLOOMINGTON, MN — With Thanksgiving nearly here, local man Chad Erickson was reportedly eager to get back to his true passion as a mall Santa Claus and has already begun preparing for the gig by cutting off his ankle monitor.
NEW YORK, NY — Mayor-elect Zohran Mamdani announced plans on Thursday to specifically target the rich with a new tax on anyone who makes more than $0.00 a year.
GALILEE — A local family rejoiced after a wayward son returned in repentance to his father, though subsequent reports claimed that this was because he just ran out of SNAP benefits.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Democratic lawmakers quietly admitted on Friday that they can't seem to remember why they shut down the government in the first place.