U.S. — Leaders of the Democratic Party have vowed to overturn 14 million votes in the Democratic primary and stage a coup d'etat against the sitting President in order to save democracy.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With many puzzling questions still remaining unanswered in the wake of the attempted assassination of former President Donald Trump at a Pennsylvania campaign rally last week, the United States Secret Service announced that it was working tirelessly to investigate anyone who criticized its incompetence.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Despite rampant skepticism among the voting public as November approached, the party cheating in the primary election solemnly promised that it would definitely not be cheating in the general election.

U.S. — In a majestic and selfless act that will be remembered for generations, President Biden has voluntarily stepped down from the presidential race, mere days after being forcibly removed from the presidential race.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Vice President's campaign for president received a highly sought-after boost this week, as former President Barack Obama reluctantly endorsed Kamala Harris after butt-dialing her.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New poll numbers showed Kamala Harris had locked up the white liberal woman vote by constantly being drunk and intolerable.

U.S. — The Pulitzer Committee has awarded CNN its most prestigious prize for outstanding achievements in the field of deleting stories about Kamala Harris.

WASHINGTON D.C. — The FBI announced today that after an extensive investigation, the bureau has at last concluded that President John F. Kennedy was, in fact, struck by a bullet.

U.S. — After initially denying having anything to do with the border crisis, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted today that she may not be remembering correctly as she's been really drunk the past four years straight, and it's all a bit of a fog.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Continuing its tradition of utilizing artwork on its home page to commemorate significant historic individuals, Google revealed that its new Google Doodle would honor the life of sharpshooter Thomas Matthew Crooks.