WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a moving display of compassion, Vice President Kamala Harris today solemnly placed a "Joy" sticker on the tomb of a Marine who was killed during the U.S. exit from Afghanistan.

U.S. — A strong, capable, independent, girlboss of a woman that "don't need no man" has reportedly asked a man to accompany her on a job interview in case there are any hard questions.

U.S. — With lingering questions about the vice president's campaign platform and positions on major issues, voters noticed that Kamala Harris's policy page online now just redirects to Donald Trump's website.

SAVANNAH, GA — All three and a half minutes of leaked footage from CNN's pre-recorded interview with Kamala Harris and Tim Walz broke the internet this morning, revealing that Walz spent the entire duration of the interview making balloon animals to distract the interviewer from Kamala Harris.

ALEXANDRIA, VA — California's minimum wage hike claimed another victim this week in the popular fast-food burger joint now formerly known as Five Guys. Following a massive round of layoffs, the fast-food restaurant is now down to only two guys.

U.S. — In a stirring speech, VP candidate Tim Walz vowed to do whatever it takes to ensure all violent migrant gangs have access to free tampons.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The woman who got 13 U.S. Service members killed in Afghanistan has issued a statement condemning a man for going to comfort the families of the fallen soldiers.

REHOBOTH, DE — President Biden briefly got up from his beach chair this morning to build a little sandcastle in honor of the American hostage brutally executed by Hamas after almost a year in captivity.

At this point in the race, Kamala has made it abundantly clear that she is willing and able to deploy literally any accent under the sun she believes will win her votes. You may be wondering: how in the world does she do it?