SACRAMENTO, CA — California Governor Gavin Newsom has adopted a plan set forth by the California Air Resources Board to phase out all gas-powered and EV automobiles and replace them with Little Tikes Cozy Coupes no later than 2035.

PALO ALTO, CA — Social media users rejoiced today as in an initiative to fight back against censorship, the guy who said Facebook was not suppressing free speech announced that Facebook would stop suppressing free speech.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a rare televised address from the Oval Office, President Biden warned the American public of an imminent terrorist threat as a result of his releasing eleven terrorists from prison.

LOS ANGELES, CA — As the world looked on in shock while multiple wildfires ravaged areas outside of Los Angeles, California Governor Gavin Newsom held a press conference to assure victims that he was diverting millions of dollars toward the state's emergency DEI initiatives.

MANHATTAN, NY — Sunny Hostin declared today that she had experienced "the Holocaust times ten" after a barista forgot to add cream to her morning coffee.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The solemnity of former President Jimmy Carter's funeral was slightly marred earlier this morning when a few confused mourners accidentally placed flowers on Biden.

U.S. — As the entire nation watched in horror at the devastation being unleashed on California by multiple wildfires, the American people were treated to a preview of what a Gavin Newsom presidency might look like.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Girl firefighter Melissa Sandros risked life and limb yesterday as she entered a burning building to tell a victim that he was too heavy for her to carry, but that the real firemen would be there in about fifteen minutes or so.

SACRAMENTO, CA — With Governor Gavin Newsom facing withering criticism over his preparations for wildfires, the Delta Smelt Fish Association hosted a press conference to reiterate their support for the Governor.

MANHATTAN, NY — In another disgusting display of judicial activism, progressive judge Juan Merchan released a man convicted of 34 felonies right back onto the streets of New York.