With Joe Biden somehow still alive and Kamala Harris less likable than bunions, it looks like Biden will be up for re-election. Should Joe Biden win in November, preparation will be key. But what exactly should conservatives start hoarding in case that happens?

U.S. — The man overseeing the invasion and accelerating destruction of America announced today that the biggest threat facing America is, in fact, Donald Trump.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Google's new image generation software Gemini is facing criticism after thousands of users noticed the AI refused to depict white males in any of its images. Users were relieved, however, when they were finally able to convince the AI to draw a white man by prompting it to generate a picture of Justice Clarence Thomas.

EAST GREENVILLE, PA — AT&T customers were surprised to learn there was a network outage affecting most of the company's subscribers this Thursday. Customers noted that they are so accustomed to not having a functioning cell signal that they didn't notice anything was amiss.

AUSTIN, TX — A bridge was built between two worlds today as a grateful gender studies graduate artfully wrote "Thank You" in latte art for a plumber who paid for her student loans.

NEW YORK, NY — New York District Attorney Letitia James followed through on her threat to seize the property of Trump by grabbing up the former president's estate, Mar-a-lago. The top lawyer for the Big Apple then turned around and sold the property for $740 million.