WASHINGTON, D.C. — The former chairwoman of the Republican National Committee will not remain unemployed for long following her resignation, as Ronna McDaniel has been hired at the Democratic National Committee due to her extensive experience in defeating Republicans.

ATHENS, GA — Following the murder of a Georgia college student at the hands of an illegal immigrant, police issued a statement warning women to avoid jogging within 2,000 miles of an open border, particularly the southern border the U.S. shares with Mexico.

LOS ANGELES, CA — Word quickly spread throughout political circles today that President Joe Biden's son, Hunter, was consumed with jealousy after hearing Donald Trump, Jr. had received a mysterious envelope filled with white powder.

U.S. — A progressive non-profit has formed a new suicide hotline that will encourage any suicidal callers to go ahead and go through with the act, as long as they do it for Palestine.

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