NEW YORK, NY — Along with the announcement of a program that will provide illegal immigrants with pre-loaded credit cards, New York City Mayor Eric Adams assured migrants that if they run out of money on their prepaid debit cards, they can just rob an American citizen in person.

U.S. — After a cargo ship collided with Francis Scott Key Bridge in Baltimore causing the structure to collapse, President Biden gave a fiery speech in which he unequivocally called on ships everywhere to stop crashing into bridges.

NEW YORK, NY — A Governor-appointed special counsel is prosecuting Attorney General Letitia James for fraudulently overestimating the amount of the fine in Trump's fraud case.

U.S. — As conflicting reports indicated a possible offensive to rescue hostages held in Rafah, Vice President Kamala Harris issued a stern warning to Israel not to violate the San Francisco City Council's existing ceasefire decree.

EL PASO, TX — According to reports, a National Guardsman being trampled by migrants expressed relief to hear the country isn't being invaded.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Former President Donald Trump successfully had President Biden evicted from the White House Thursday after successfully sneaking back into the White House and invoking Squatters Rights.

U.S. — After shocking footage emerged from the border showing waves of migrants mounting an attack on National Guard soldiers to break through the border, media outlets were quick to remind viewers that this was not in any way an invasion.