NEW YORK, NY — In the wake of ongoing anti-Israel protests that have engulfed the school's campus, Columbia University announced it has switched to online classes so Jewish students can participate from the attics where they are hiding.

NEW YORK, NY — As unrest due to anti-Israel protests continued into another day, an Asian kid who went to Columbia University to actually learn was reportedly gettin' real sick of this crap.

NEW YORK — Judge Juan Manuel Merchan was reassuring the public that former President Trump would receive a fair trial when he was interrupted by the sound of construction crews assembling giant gallows outside the courthouse.

RAFAH — Hamas has issued a statement of thanks to American university students for their unwavering support over the past few weeks, promising that, in return, the deaths of university students in the coming global intifada would be relatively quick and painless.