NEW YORK, NY — In an outcome that was sure to shake the foundations of the entire country, the first criminal trial of a former president reached its close, as Donald Trump was convicted of being Donald Trump.

NEW YORK, NY — Following the guilty verdict handed down against former President Donald Trump, New York Prosecutor Alvin Bragg used the case to issue a stern warning that nobody in America is above the law he made up to convict Trump.

TEHRAN, IRAN — In a touching, romantic statement on X (formerly Twitter), the Supreme Leader of Iran Ali Khamenei let American college students know that he appreciates their anti-Semetic protests and support of his regime and that he also has a few open slots in the harem if any of the women might happen to be interested.

NEW YORK, NY — Following his felony conviction on 34 counts, former President Trump has officially been sentenced to four years of confinement in an oval-shaped cell in the heart of Washington, DC.

HEAVEN — Watching as the last vestige of the nation he helped found crumbled, George Washington sighed and remarked that America still had gone on a pretty solid two-hundred-fifty year run.