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- https://babylonbee.com/news/white-house-says-bidens-ability-to-do-his-job-not-in-any-way-impeded-by-his-rigor-mortis?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMWhite House Says Biden’s Ability To Do His Job Not In Any Way Impeded By His Rigor MortisWASHINGTON, DC — The White House has delivered an official statement reassuring Americans that Biden is not hampered from doing his job in any way whatsoever by his recent flare-up of rigor mortis.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/aides-claim-biden-nailed-a-360-double-flip-mctwist-on-the-white-house-half-pipe-but-oh-darn-the-reporters-just-missed-it?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMAides Claim Biden Nailed A 360 Kickflip McTwist On The White House Half Pipe But Oh Darn The Reporters Just Missed ItWASHINGTON, D.C. — Though media accounts and public perception have led many to believe the president's age has significantly eroded his physical and mental capabilities, aides claimed today that Biden recently nailed a 360 double flip McTwist on the White House half pipe but reporters just missed it.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-admin-hires-nascar-pit-crew-to-rapidly-change-bidens-diaper-without-anyone-noticing?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMBiden Admin Hires NASCAR Pit Crew To Rapidly Change Biden’s Diaper Without Anyone NoticingWASHINGTON, DC — In a little-publicized move, the Biden Administration recently recruited a former NASCAR pit crew to make lightning-fast changes to the President's diaper whenever he soils his pants.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/ilhan-omar-calls-for-day-of-mourning-over-hostages-rescued?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMIlhan Omar Calls For Day Of Mourning Over Hostages RescuedWASHINGTON, D.C. — Representative Ilhan Omar has called for a National Day of Mourning in light of the news that four Israeli hostages were rescued this morning.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/gaza-health-ministry-confirms-8-billion-dead-in-israeli-hostage-rescue?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMGaza Health Ministry Confirms 8 Billion Dead In Israeli Hostage RescueGAZA — The Gaza Health Ministry announced that Israeli soldiers killed eight billion innocent women, children and puppies today during the rescue operation where four hostages were freed.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/biden-asks-why-europe-didnt-just-arrest-conservative-candidates-before-election?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMBiden Asks Why Europe Didn't Just Arrest Conservative Candidates Before ElectionWASHINGTON, D.C. — As shockwaves continued to reverberate around the globe following sweeping victories for the European political right, U.S. President Joe Biden asked aides why Europe didn't just arrest the conservative candidates before the election.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/colorado-supreme-court-overturns-hunter-biden-conviction?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMColorado Supreme Court Overturns Hunter Biden ConvictionDENVER, CO — In a stunning ruling just before the end of the day that veered away from any legal precedent, the Colorado Supreme Court overturned the criminal conviction handed down to Hunter Biden just this morning.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/merrick-garland-threatens-to-arrest-anyone-who-says-his-doj-is-corrupt?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMMerrick Garland Threatens To Arrest Anyone Who Says His DOJ Is CorruptWASHINGTON, D.C. — As accusations continue to mount regarding the impartiality of the American justice system, U.S. Attorney General Merrick Garland threatened to arrest anyone who said his Department of Justice was corrupt.
- https://babylonbee.com/news/disqualified-lia-thomas-asks-if-he-can-still-just-hang-out-naked-in-the-olympic-womens-locker-rooms?utm_source=The%20Babylon%20Bee%20Newsletter&utm_medium=emailBABYLONBEE.COMDisqualified Lia Thomas Asks If He Can Still Just Hang Out Naked In The Olympic Women’s Locker RoomsSTATE COLLEGE, PA — After the Court of Arbitration for Sport (CAS) made a shocking ruling on Thursday that Lia Thomas, a man, would not be allowed to compete on the U.S. women's Olympic team, Thomas requested further clarification on whether he might be allowed to still just hang out naked in the women's locker room on occasion or something like that.
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