The only thing at which the left excels is evil

U.S. — As the November presidential election continued to draw closer, prominent Democrats gave the American people a stern warning about the prospect of a terrifying fascist state where government shrinks and people can afford groceries.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following the House Judiciary Committee meeting in which Ben Shapiro lawfully acquired full ownership of Democrat representative Eric Swalwell by means of facts and logic, the conservative co-founder of the Daily Wire has graciously agreed to share joint ownership of his new liberal with the Chinese, who claim that they owned Swalwell first.

U.S. — Despite rising tension within the Democratic Party and uncertainty regarding President Joe Biden's cognitive capacity and fitness to remain in the presidential race, former President Barack Obama reassured the nation that he is still running the country.

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — Following President Biden's repeated refusals to back out of the presidential race, former President Barack Obama has reportedly invited Biden out for a nice quiet afternoon of paddleboarding.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — U.S. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen stepped forward on Tuesday to assure the American people that President Joe Biden's dementia is only a transitory issue that will likely resolve itself as election-related bottlenecks begin to clear.

WASHINGTON D.C. — Panic erupted today at a press conference when President Biden turned an alarming shade of blue after handlers accidentally left out the "remember to breathe" card from his instruction packet.