WASHINGTON, D.C. — According to sources, White House aides are in a terrible situation where they constantly have to pick between "angry shouting" pills and "calm creepy whisper" pills for President Biden.

RALEIGH, NC — At a rally following a disastrous debate performance, a guy who has spent the last few years imprisoning his political opponents warned the crowd that if Donald Trump is elected, he will imprison his political opponents.

MARTHA'S VINEYARD, MA — Several members of the household staff of Gerald C. Pennyworth IV report that their employer, a white liberal, was recently rendered "extremely put-out" after he chanced to look out the window of his private jet and saw a number of cows causing climate change.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In another landmark decision, the Supreme Court of the United States has just voted 6-3 that President Biden never had a six handicap.

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu expressed his shock over last night's assassination attempt on former President Donald Trump, calling it an attack on America.

RHETORIC AND THE TRUMP ASSASSINATION ATTEMPT. The gunman who tried to assassinate former President Donald Trump was a 20-year-old Pennsylvania man named Thomas Matthew Crooks, according to the FBI. News reports say Crooks had registered to vote as a Republican but also gave $15 to the anti-Trump group Progressive Turnout Project. Obviously, there is more to

Rep. Mike Collins of Georgia says President Biden “sent the orders” to try to assassinate former President Donald Trump.

Joe Biden is under fire for calling Donald Trump a "genuine threat to this nation" two weeks prior to the attempt on Trump's life at a rally.