U.S. — In a majestic and selfless act that will be remembered for generations, President Biden has voluntarily stepped down from the presidential race, mere days after being forcibly removed from the presidential race.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — The Vice President's campaign for president received a highly sought-after boost this week, as former President Barack Obama reluctantly endorsed Kamala Harris after butt-dialing her.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — New poll numbers showed Kamala Harris had locked up the white liberal woman vote by constantly being drunk and intolerable.

U.S. — The Pulitzer Committee has awarded CNN its most prestigious prize for outstanding achievements in the field of deleting stories about Kamala Harris.

WASHINGTON D.C. — The FBI announced today that after an extensive investigation, the bureau has at last concluded that President John F. Kennedy was, in fact, struck by a bullet.

U.S. — After initially denying having anything to do with the border crisis, Vice President Kamala Harris admitted today that she may not be remembering correctly as she's been really drunk the past four years straight, and it's all a bit of a fog.

MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA — Continuing its tradition of utilizing artwork on its home page to commemorate significant historic individuals, Google revealed that its new Google Doodle would honor the life of sharpshooter Thomas Matthew Crooks.