WASHINGTON, DC — Democrats have boldly declared President Trump to be scared of debating, just a month after their last candidate was forced to quit politics forever after a debate with Trump.

U.S. — In order to put any questions about her ethnic background to rest, Vice President Kamala Harris took a DNA test which ultimately revealed that she is almost entirely composed of vodka.

PARIS — As the world prepared for an unprecedented gold medal bout, the referee presiding over the Olympic women's boxing finals warned both competitors to not punch each other in the testicles.

U.S. — Experts predicted that today would go down as a historic day, as Kamala Harris became the first black woman to destroy the world economy.

LONDON — Unassuming British citizen Oliver Blibbensby III barely survived a run-in with a group of knife-wielding Muslims after being forced to resort to finger guns for self-defense.

U.S. — Facebook is currently undergoing a name change to bring its brand more in line with its sole remaining use: reminding people of upcoming birthdays. The new name, Keeping-Track-Of-People's-Birthdays-Book, was announced by Meta during a quarterly earnings call.

Tim Walz may have just been named Kamala's VP pick. Apart from being governor of Minnesota, the man is a real mystery. Who is he? Why is he? And what will he do in office?

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Following his selection as Kamala Harris' running mate, Minnesota governor Tim Walz has assured voters across the United States that, if elected, he will make America as great as Minneapolis.

MANKATO, MN — The race for the White House intensified today with the announcement of Minnesota Governor Tim Walz as Kamala Harris's running mate, including Walz coming out swinging against his opponent for the second-highest office in the country, Ohio senator and Trump running mate J.D. Vance.

MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Despite making headlines and helping Kamala Harris surge in popularity following accepting a spot as her running mate, Tim Walz backed out of the VP nomination after learning vice presidents sometimes have to deploy to dangerous places overseas.