EL PASO, TX — Americans were assured that the solution to the migrant crisis along the southern U.S. border was close at hand, as soon-to-be Border Czar Tom Homan revealed plans to introduce a family-size trebuchet to speed up the deportation process.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) has confirmed the first-ever case of avian influenza A(H5N1), commonly known as H5N1 bird flu, in a child in the United States.