ATHENS, GA — Justice was finally served in the wake of an unspeakable tragedy, as after an illegal immigrant was found guilty of murdering an American citizen, Democrats sentenced him to only being allowed to fly coach from now on.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Children sitting at the kids' table during Kamala Harris's family Thankgiving dinner were confused and "a little frightened" as she gave a speech urging them not to "let anyone steal your power," sources confirmed Thursday.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Eager to join in on low Black Friday prices, excited lobbyists were seen lining up outside the U.S. Capitol to get early bird deals on all congressmen.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Following his controversial announcement last night absolving his son of all criminal convictions and prosecution, news broke early this morning that President Joe Biden was forced to issue another pardon after Hunter went out and committed 17 more crimes overnight.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — After news broke that he had received a full presidential pardon from his father for any crimes committed in the last decade, Hunter Biden immediately asked officials from the U.S. Secret Service if he could get his baggie of cocaine back from the White House.

How is THIS happening in America?!

This is just sick!