WASHINGTON, D.C. — Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre will be exiting politics for good at the end of Biden's presidential term, instead returning to her former job as a salesman at Men's Wearhouse.

LOS ANGELES — The devastating Palisades Fire may finally be on the way out thanks to the quick thinking of firefighters who attached late night host Jimmy Kimmel to a helicopter so he could quench the flames with his salty tears.

SAN DIEGO, CA — As President Trump issued an order requiring all government employees to return to work in person, one rescue swimmer for the United States Coast Guard expressed disappointment that he could no longer work from home.

U.S. — Late-night comedy made a stunning return to form Monday following the inauguration of President Trump with hosts reportedly excited they can now make jokes about the president again.

EL PASO, TX — As part of a genius plot to avoid President Trump's deportation efforts, a local immigrant has avoided murdering, stealing, or entering the country illegally.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A historically awkward moment took place at the White House this morning, as an apparently confused Joe Biden showed up for the Monday morning staff meeting.

U.S. — With heated debate taking place across the country over President Donald Trump's initiative to carry out mass deportations of illegal aliens, Democrats found themselves once again concerned about who would be picking their crops.