SAN DIEGO, CA — As President Trump issued an order requiring all government employees to return to work in person, one rescue swimmer for the United States Coast Guard expressed disappointment that he could no longer work from home.

U.S. — Late-night comedy made a stunning return to form Monday following the inauguration of President Trump with hosts reportedly excited they can now make jokes about the president again.

EL PASO, TX — As part of a genius plot to avoid President Trump's deportation efforts, a local immigrant has avoided murdering, stealing, or entering the country illegally.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — A historically awkward moment took place at the White House this morning, as an apparently confused Joe Biden showed up for the Monday morning staff meeting.

U.S. — With heated debate taking place across the country over President Donald Trump's initiative to carry out mass deportations of illegal aliens, Democrats found themselves once again concerned about who would be picking their crops.