EL PASO, TX — After hearing about the size of the average American, Haitian cannibal gangs rushed the southern border near El Paso this week in a race to be first in line for the smorgasbord.

SHELTON, CT — With high prices continuing to ravage the U.S. economy, popular restaurant chains have been forced to come up with more affordable deals. As a result, Subway has introduced a new $5 inch-long sandwich.

LONDON, UK — The National Health Service of the United Kingdom announced Monday they will no longer permit children to be prescribed puberty blockers, a move many gender-ideology advocates worry will force otherwise depressed and troubled kids to live normal, happy lives.

GAZA — Mohammed Sinwar took time away from raping this week to celebrate Ramadan and confide in his fellow Gazans about the hardship of avoiding rape during Ramadan.