OLD WESTBURY, NY — Sources close to the Ellington household claim that Kael Ellington, a recent graduate from Columbia University who majored in Gender Studies and Post-Colonial Deconstructionist Performance Art, is currently trying to find just the right spot to hang his first framed unemployment check.

GAZA — Hamas leadership proudly announced Wednesday that their Pride Month festivities would soon start with a wild party where anything goes. The location? The roof of a very tall hotel where they can do the best kicking-off.

WASHINGTON, DC — In a recent press conference, President Biden has confirmed that, rather than going to the trouble of building another temporary pier to provide humanitarian aid to Hamas, he will simply instruct the US military to dump $320 million of taxpayers' dollars into the ocean just off the coast of Gaza."

AUSTRALIA — Kangaroos hosted a press conference today calling for a stop to demeaning comparisons to the United States justice system.

VATICAN CITY — Following the uproar regarding terminology he allegedly used in reference to homosexuals becoming Catholic priests, Pope Francis issued an official statement of apology to all the flaming homos who were offended.