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GAZA — Sources close to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez say that the former American congresswoman has joined the Palestinian Islamic political and military organization commonly known as Hamas.

SAN LUIS PASS — Severe weather season threatened to have an impact on the upcoming U.S. presidential election, as after making landfall in Texas, Tropical Storm Alberto immediately registered to vote as a Democrat.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what has been labeled as "perhaps the most brilliant diplomatic win in US history" by entirely credible news sources like CNN and The Guardian, the White House has just dispatched the cast of the television series Queer Eye to negotiate a ceasefire in Gaza with Hamas.

In the wake of Louisiana's conflation of Church and State by mandating that the Ten Commandments be posted in every classroom, Democrats offered a compromise, stating that, while the original Ten Commandments are "hateful" and "out-of-date," they would be okay with having an updated version.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — With the presidential race heating up for the summer campaign season, the White House asked migrants to hold off on raping and murdering any more Americans until after the election.