WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an effort to contextualize Biden's poor performance in last week's presidential debate, White House Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre has stated that Biden was impaired during the debate as he was still suffering from jet lag from driving that big rig around during the ‘60s.

WASHINGTON, D.C. — In response to growing concern from the American people about the president's cognitive ability, Congresswoman Nancy Pelosi said we must re-elect Joe Biden to find out if he's senile.

WASHINGTON D.C. — According to the Associated Press, sources close to President Biden reported this week that the embattled president is ‘often alive and conscious but sometimes mostly dead.'

WASHINGTON, D.C. — Official sources from within the White House claim that President Biden has just decided to extend his sleep schedule from a mere eighteen hours to twenty-four hours a day in a measure intended to help him stay sharp and coherent as the leader of the free world.

U.S. — Despite a significant majority of the nation now believing President Biden mentally unfit for office, the Democratic Party has decided to stay with Biden as its nominee as it would be a huge pain to reprint the tens of thousands of ballots they already filled out.

WASHINGTON, DC — Following the disastrous Presidential debate, First Lady Jill Biden announced she will not drop out of the race despite growing calls from within the party to do so.

NEW YORK, NY — Journalists from media outlets around the country are reeling from shock after Biden's performance in the presidential debate, caught completely off guard by the President's steep mental decline.

CAMP DAVID — President Biden began feeling rather nervous this morning when Hillary Clinton arrived for what was supposed to be an emergency family meeting about his campaign.

ATLANTA, GA — With both of his arms and legs cut clean off by the end of the debate, President Biden has continued to insist that the defeat was "merely a flesh wound."