ANCHORAGE, AK — A military spokesman confirmed Wednesday that Russian forces launched a successful sneak attack on Alaska while everyone at North American Aerospace Defense Command (NORAD) was busy tracking Santa's sleigh.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — As Congress prepared to vote on legislation that would prevent gender transitioning treatment from being given to minors, Democrats blasted Republicans for trying to put hardworking genital mutilators out of business.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Ahead of a Senate vote on a bill to ban gender-transition surgeries for minors, Senator Corey Booker pledged his unwavering support for the trans community and showed solidarity with trans kids by announcing his plan to get his vagina removed.
PHOENIX, AZ — Attendees at Turning Point's AmFest 2025 event experienced an awkward moment last night, as Tucker Carlson interrupted his own speech for an evening prayer to Mecca.
The holiday classic Home Alone featured some of the most iconic improvised booby traps in movie history, but did you know that the original script included many more of them?
CAMBRIDGE — As the nations of the West continue to struggle with understanding how to deal with the spread of immigrants from Islamic countries, a groundbreaking new study found that islamophobia may be at least partially caused by Muslims killing people all the time.
U.S. — As Christmas Eve approaches, decorations adorn the tree, and bands of carolers prepare to roam the streets, an urgent message arrived from the North Pole to remind everyone not to forget that Santa Claus wants gluten in his cookies.
VENEZUELA — In a remarkable demonstration of martial superiority, the United States military just forced an unconditional surrender out of the entire Venezuelan army just by offering them some food.
U.S. — In a corroboration of what many had long suspected, a new report finally confirmed that the holiday of Kwanzaa had been revealed to be an elaborate prank on white people.
CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.
After a bidding war, Netflix has secured a deal to buy Warner Bros. Discovery for a reported $82.7 billion. Once the deal is finalized, fans will notice significant changes to beloved WB properties like Harry Potter, Looney Tunes, and Superman IV: The Quest for Peace.
WASHINGTON, D.C. — An anonymous source has just revealed to The Babylon Bee that the Washington Post's journalists all still wet their beds and wear Paw Patrol pajamas, which are for dumb little babies.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Amid national outrage over Somali immigrants in Minneapolis raping people all the time, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz held a press conference to assure concerned citizens that not all Somali rapists are bad people.
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — A remake of the popular 2001 war film Black Hawk Down was reportedly in development at Columbia Pictures, with producers eyeing downtown Minneapolis as the primary filming location.
EAGAN, MN — In a move intended to better reflect the state's modern demographics and generate more interest in the team from the populace, the Minnesota Vikings announced that they were changing their name to the Minnesota Somali Pirates.
PORTLAND, OR — A turkey that had previously been pardoned by former President Joe Biden four times was reportedly arrested in connection with a violent turkey murder.
CARACAS — A young employee's burgeoning career took a massive step forward this week, as a junior cartel member was excited to find out that he was already getting an opportunity to drive the boat.
ST. PAUL, MN — Desperate to clear his good name, Minnesota Governor Tim Walz offered to give several journalists free tampons if they would stop talking about his fraud scandal.